Hey There! It's Been A While

It's been sooooo long since I've typed anything on here, and almost 2 years since someone has commented. The girls and I were looking for a picture (of when Katelyn lost her first tooth to see how old she was, to compare with Zoe, who lost her first teeth this year), and it threw me all down that rabbit hole, and made me wish that I had kept up with it. It seems like the only way I can keep track of things is taking pictures of them. I really do refer to my blog sometimes to figure out when things were/prove to Weston that they happened when I thought they happened. :) 

Meet the newest guy, whose only appearance on this blog is as "baby #8 who will be coming soon" in the one post for my pregnancy announcement. He's 6 1/2 months old. Introducing:

Finn Wilder

As happy as this most of the time! He is sooooo sweet!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's just so busy, you know, raising kids. 

(and that kid in the foreground there may keep me the busiest):

I have heard people say, "Once you have (fill in the blank # of) kids, it doesn't matter how many you have." 

This is just simply not true. Like, laugh in your face like a crazy women not true. Hahaha! It's always the people with that said # of kids that say that, and not the ones with more. I mean, for instance....more uv dis:::

Always so much laundry. But honestly, it usually doesn't look as bad as pictured above. I just thought it was funny how Finn fell asleep right there while I was doing stuff.

But it's so awesome raising kids (albeit challenging), and I find myself wishing lately that I had had my children closer together so that I could've had more. Not saying I'm done, not saying I'm not done. But I did have a big birthday this month, and it makes me a little sad that my child bearing years are getting closer to closing. Everyone says that women are having babies later these days, and I've had the thought that if God wanted women to stop having babies before 40 (like society seems to think they/we should), then he would've had them/us go through menopause at 40. LOL!

This is getting a little too personal, and I am way too tired, so....Adios, amigos!!!! Hope to chat again soon!

30/40 Week Prego Bump

30 weeks down

10 to go

.....

little one in my tummy moves light ker-azy.

but i wouldn't expect it to be different.

i have braxton-hicks contractions a lot and they are getting stronger and stronger.

i'm tired and thirsty the majority of the time, and get out of breath walking up stairs, 

or sometimes just bending over to pick something up.

 all totally normal.

jiles has started calling my tummy "baby boy".  weston and i both feel like this might be a boy.  however, 2 little girls in a row would be so fun.

but, of course, a baby boy would be so fun, too.

time will tell about that one.

i have my favorite name for a boy.  it's been a favorite, and was a candidate for both ezra and jiles.

i think that weston like it, too.  it's growing on him, he says.  

girl names are harder for us.  there are 2 that we both like and are in the running.  we'll just hold them both until the baby's born and we know the gender for sure.

i had the cutest conversation with jiles yesterday as we watched my stomach move all around.  that's when he told me that it was a boy.  i can't remember what else he said (should've written it down right away, darn it), but his blue eyes, kewpie doll face, and soooo sweet disposition had me down right smitten. 

last night i got home from a meeting after all the kids were asleep.  before i turned in i peeked in on all of them.  i look at them and i always wonder if i'm giving them enough.  am i giving them enough time, eye contact, love, patience, spiritual food, good example, understanding, nutritious physical food, all of it?

then i kneel by my bed and thank the Lord for allowing me to raise them, to be their mother.  and i ask Him to help me be an instrument in His hands to help me mold them to how He wants them.  because how He wants them is how it needs to be, and that's how i want them, too.

The Winter of my Discontent

Actually, the title

Winter = My Discontent

is probably more fitting.

It is cold.  As in single digits now, and it is supposed to be -4 tonight.  Not much snow, but much cold.

But it is winter in Idaho, so it is to be expected, I suppose.  

My sister's 14-year-old son is here from Utah doing a Winternship.   He is a great one to have around; he is so helpful and sweet and kind.  He works with Weston everyday, and the last couple of days after work, he and Spencer have gone ice skating on the little creek by our house.  I can watch them toastily from the window.  

Spencer loves ice skating.  Last year he told me that his legs just wanted to skate.  It is fun, but I only last for a little while.  

That's how I feel about Winter in general.  It's fun to cuddle up and be snuggly, but I only last for a little while.  Then I am so over it. 

Today as I was driving to a meeting at church, my mind wandered to a certain place.  It wanders there often when I drive, but especially when it is really cold and feels really barren and there is hardly any color to be seen at all.  In my mind I fast forward 3 years when Weston's parents will be home from their mission, and think of how old all of our kids will be, and think about going on a road trip when school is out for the summer, with all of our belongings, to a new place.  To a place that is green and warm, and away from wild beasts and rattlesnakes, and where I could have my own cell phone and have it actually work where I lived and be able to text (okay, so that part only entered my head today because I was late and couldn't call the people I was meeting with), and when running to the grocery store, or a practice or game, or anywhere really, it would be no big deal; to a place where it was still country, but closer to things.

At my meeting today, I was talking with one of the ladies about how she is going to be moving with her husband and baby girl to Virginia!  In May!  A bit of envy ran through my blood.  I thought about it later, on my way home.  It is not the fact that they are going to Virginia necessarily, even though I was born and raised there and love it so much, or that she is going in the month of May, even though May is my favorite month in Virginia and it overall just sounds like a promising month, but that she and her family are going somewhere new together.

When I saw Weston this afternoon, I gave him that look: the I-am-discontent look.  He knows the look well.  I just let out a deep breath and that is almost the same thing as telling him my whole heart on the subject.  He has heard it enough to quote my feelings word for word.  In fact, he has quoted my feelings word for word at least once.  He looked at me with a slightly pained smile, as he usually does, and he usually says something like, "You always feel that way whenever I feel so good about the future here."  And then he hugs me, and I sigh again.

I think these things, or say these things to him and then I feel guilt.  WHAT IS MY PROBLEM!?  How in the world can I even feel this way when I have been and am SO blessed?  We have so much, so much.  And how can I even complain in the slightest when my husband is working so hard to provide?  Am I not the biggest ingrate ever by be discontent?  But I am not ungrateful for what I have.  I am very grateful.  I just need to be more content.

Of course, my life here on the ranch is a beautiful one.  It is unique.  It is close to nature.  It is away from many distractions of the world.  It is not a neighborhood (no offense to anyone who lives in a neighborhood, I just don't think I could ever live in a neighborhood after living here).  We have room: to play, to run, to yell, to blast music, to ride 4-wheelers, to take pictures with no houses or buildings in the background.  We have miles to roam.  I love my life here.  I love our dirt road, and our house, the barn, haystacks, the creek, the trees around us, our view, having sticks right outside our door to build things with, our swings, having Grandparents so close (well they aren't very close right now).  I love being here raising my children with my husband.  Our set-up is pretty much completely ideal.  I don't know it we could find all of this anywhere else if we tried (or at least could afford it).  And, honestly, if we did ever leave, would we wish that we hadn't?

I think these things, and yet I still get that itching for something new.  I crave change.

So here is a message to myself today:

Dude!  Cut the discontent and just live it up NOW.  Change will come, as it always does.  And it doesn't always come in the way we want.  So just be happy with today, with these sweet little people who will grow up all too soon.  Winter is short, as is their childhood, as is life really.  It would be a shame if it wasn't lived to the fullest.  No matter where you live the message is the same.  

Your life is wonderful.

Live it with more deliberation.  

Be more content.

And skate while you can.

The Wheel of Life

I went to a thrift store last week.  I found The Game of Life and bought it and took it home. I loved playing it as a kid and wanted to share it with my children.  The 3 oldest have loved playing it.  Jiles, or Zoe, or somebody took the wheel upstairs, so the next time they were getting the pieces out to play, I told them that the wheel of life was upstairs. 

I laughed about how that sounded, "the wheel of life is upstairs".

Then as they played and I made dinner, I thought about it more.  

The wheel of life.  

I thought about how that wheel never stops; in the game, yes, but the real deal wheel, never.   So much  happens as the wheel keeps turning, 

and turning,

and turning.

Sometimes it feels like we have "wheels like a whirlwind (Isaiah 5:28)," like it is so busy and so much is happening at once and there is no way that we can possibly keep up.  Sometimes, or for some, it seems like the wheel is going so slowly, like during the winter, or when we are lonely and want time to hurry up.

But the wheel is constant, never slowing, never quickening; it just feels like it does one or the other at times.  But a day is still 24 hours, no matter what is happening.  Like Ezra says of school days, "Today was a TINY day!"  Meaning, the day was so short and he had very little time to play.

We're all in constant motion, cyclical motion.   That sounds like we're going in circles, and yup, it feels that way at times.  

Food needs to be prepared, eaten, cleaned up, 

(and diapers need changing) over and over.

Clothes are bought/made, worn, soiled, washed, dried, folded, put away, worn, soiled, and so on.  (My sister and I joke how the laundry is such a good friend: it is always there for you, no matter what.)

Fields are tilled, planted, the plants grow, and are reaped, again and again. 

The hay shed is filled, only to be emptied, until next year when it will be filled, and then emptied again.

Snows melt, the creek swells, it irrigates fields, (and entertains children) and then slowly dwindles to a little stream, and then it freezes, the snow melts, and swells.

And us?  Humankind?  Oh, my.  We fit right in there in the whole cycle of life:  birth, life, death, birth, life, death.  We feel like we will be here forever, and sort of like we have already been here forever.  We can't remember the beginning of our life, and certainly the end is nowhere close.  Right?  

Dieter F. Uchtdorf said in his talk (you should listen to it because it is really good) in General Conference on Sunday, 

"We are all mortal.  I hope this does not come as a surprise to any of us.  None of us will be on earth very long.  We do have a number of precious years which, in the eternal perspective, barely amount to the blink of an eye."

Watching my children grow, sheesh,  time has flown.  I already have a 4th-grader.  Yep, blink of an eye.

Something else that Dieter F. Uchtdorf said in his talk was, "Isn't it true that we often get so busy, and sad to say we often wear our busyness as a badge of honor, as though being busy, by itself, was an accomplishment or sign of a superior life.  Is it?"  

A profound statement, and, of course, the answer to that "Is it?" question is no, it isn't.

We can turn to the Savior, the most superior life ever lived (and it was a relatively short life), for example of how we should be, and what we should do in our life.  He taught, he served, he loved the little children, he went about doing His Father's work.  Jesus was "a compassionate and caring Son of God purposefully living each day.  When he interacted with those around Him, they felt important and loved.  He knew the infinite value of the people he met.  He blessed them, ministered to them, he lifted them up, healed them.  He gave them the precious gift of His time." -Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Our time here is short.  Our time with our children is extremely short.

In paraphrasing President Thomas S. Monson in his talk back in October of 2008 (on the day after my 30th birthday), the piles of laundry and the fingerprints on the windows will disappear all too quickly.  We need to have joy in the journey.  He quoted Shakespeare when saying, "They do not love that do not show their love." 

 "If we fail to give our best personal self and undivided time to those who are truly important to us, one day we will regret it.  Let us resolve to cherish those we love by spending meaningful time with them, doing things together, and cultivating treasured memories." - Uchtdorf

Some other things that I got from President Uchtdorf's talk that I scribbled in my notebook:

-Why do we devote so much of our time and energy to things that are so fleeting, so inconsequential, and so superficial?

-Good intentions are NOT enough.  We must DO.

-The more we devote ourselves to holiness, the less regrets we'll have.

-We do this by following the example of our Savior, by incorporating his teachings in our daily lives, by truly loving God and our fellowmen.  We certainly can not do this with a dragging our feet, staring at our watch, complaining as we go approach to discipleship.

-Someone dying said, "I wish that I would've let myself be happier."

I don't want to be one that says that.  I want my life, my wheel of life, to be like this:

Like a huge colorful ferris wheel filled with people that I love and wonderful experiences and views along the way.  The Game of Life wheel is pretty cool, too, because it is rainbow-colored, and you do get to add kids to your car along the way.

But really, I want my life to simulate the Savior's life.  He has asked us to follow Him, and that's what we need to do.  I love Him and I adore how He lived.  His way of life is the happiest way, after all.

endure.

I have a chalkboard on the wall at the top of my stairs.

It is a rather large chalkboard, and it is just what you see while climbing the last 7 or so risers.

I use it to write various scriptures, or quotes, or sonnets for all of us to read as we climb.

Mud pie city. Ezra dried these, put them in a plastic container, and took them to school for his May Day play.

One day, about a month and a half ago, I was feeling the need for a certain little word:

endure.

I wrote it just like that.  All alone and simple on that big board.

When I wrote it, I don't think that it I knew how much it would affect me whenever I looked at it.

Some days I am so tired, and, at the end of the day, it is all I can do to make it up those stairs

(usually I am carrying at least one child).

Jiles found a skirt that was meant for Zoe.

Then I see that word,

endure.

Sometimes I want to cry when I see it.

But most of the time, usually when things are really crazy, it makes me laugh.

The Bitties have found a way out of their yard.

It is so easy to get overwhelmed, in this stage of life.

There are always so many things to do, so much to clean and keep up with, so many little ones to love and care for.  And hardly any (if any) breaks, or alone time (even in bathroom trips).

(And lots and lots of food to be made (again and again and again.)

 :) 

It is a huge and full-time responsibility, this running a home and family.

It is down right hard work.  

I don't know how in the world that on top of this responsibility, I think that I can do so many things outside of our home and family.

Things that are good things, that I like doing, and are "for" my family.

 But in actuality these things take my time and energy, both of which are limited, away from my family.  

Let's apply the Good, Better, Best principle here:

Helping in the community is GOOD

(and I enjoy it),

Our cow that Rancher named after his favorite ping-pong player.

fulfilling responsibilities at home is BETTER

(I enjoy that too),

Rancher lurves green growing grass.

so maybe concentrating more at home now, at this stage of my life, and stepping back a little (or a lot) with outside the home stuff now, and then helping more a little later in life, when my Littles are bigger, is BEST.

(Does that make sense?)

Grandma the goat is a happy goat.

Yes, that is definitely best.

I mean, I know I could do it.  I can do it all...

I can do everything that everyone asks me to do, never say, "no", and please everyone, everywhere, all the time;

and feed my family, keep a clean home, have a happy husband, and thriving children, grow a garden, take care of animals, keep up on the laundry (and blogging - hahaha).

Okay, so that is just a big fat lie.

If I believe that I can do it all, then I either think that I am super woman (which I am most certainly do not), or I am a big fat liar.

Of course I can't do it all;  there is absolutely no way.

No one can.

And it is NO FUN trying, either.  It's stressful, and everyone usually ends up crying.  Priorities begin to get confused, too.  And that is definitely no good.

I'd much rather just do the latter (all of the stuff at home).
I'd rather just stick to what is BEST.

It's a balance thing, too, right?
Doesn't it always come back to balance?

It looks like I am standing on the fence.

Maybe I'll erase "endure" and write,

"Do what is BEST."