The Winter of my Discontent

Actually, the title

Winter = My Discontent

is probably more fitting.

It is cold.  As in single digits now, and it is supposed to be -4 tonight.  Not much snow, but much cold.

But it is winter in Idaho, so it is to be expected, I suppose.  

My sister's 14-year-old son is here from Utah doing a Winternship.   He is a great one to have around; he is so helpful and sweet and kind.  He works with Weston everyday, and the last couple of days after work, he and Spencer have gone ice skating on the little creek by our house.  I can watch them toastily from the window.  

Spencer loves ice skating.  Last year he told me that his legs just wanted to skate.  It is fun, but I only last for a little while.  

That's how I feel about Winter in general.  It's fun to cuddle up and be snuggly, but I only last for a little while.  Then I am so over it. 

Today as I was driving to a meeting at church, my mind wandered to a certain place.  It wanders there often when I drive, but especially when it is really cold and feels really barren and there is hardly any color to be seen at all.  In my mind I fast forward 3 years when Weston's parents will be home from their mission, and think of how old all of our kids will be, and think about going on a road trip when school is out for the summer, with all of our belongings, to a new place.  To a place that is green and warm, and away from wild beasts and rattlesnakes, and where I could have my own cell phone and have it actually work where I lived and be able to text (okay, so that part only entered my head today because I was late and couldn't call the people I was meeting with), and when running to the grocery store, or a practice or game, or anywhere really, it would be no big deal; to a place where it was still country, but closer to things.

At my meeting today, I was talking with one of the ladies about how she is going to be moving with her husband and baby girl to Virginia!  In May!  A bit of envy ran through my blood.  I thought about it later, on my way home.  It is not the fact that they are going to Virginia necessarily, even though I was born and raised there and love it so much, or that she is going in the month of May, even though May is my favorite month in Virginia and it overall just sounds like a promising month, but that she and her family are going somewhere new together.

When I saw Weston this afternoon, I gave him that look: the I-am-discontent look.  He knows the look well.  I just let out a deep breath and that is almost the same thing as telling him my whole heart on the subject.  He has heard it enough to quote my feelings word for word.  In fact, he has quoted my feelings word for word at least once.  He looked at me with a slightly pained smile, as he usually does, and he usually says something like, "You always feel that way whenever I feel so good about the future here."  And then he hugs me, and I sigh again.

I think these things, or say these things to him and then I feel guilt.  WHAT IS MY PROBLEM!?  How in the world can I even feel this way when I have been and am SO blessed?  We have so much, so much.  And how can I even complain in the slightest when my husband is working so hard to provide?  Am I not the biggest ingrate ever by be discontent?  But I am not ungrateful for what I have.  I am very grateful.  I just need to be more content.

Of course, my life here on the ranch is a beautiful one.  It is unique.  It is close to nature.  It is away from many distractions of the world.  It is not a neighborhood (no offense to anyone who lives in a neighborhood, I just don't think I could ever live in a neighborhood after living here).  We have room: to play, to run, to yell, to blast music, to ride 4-wheelers, to take pictures with no houses or buildings in the background.  We have miles to roam.  I love my life here.  I love our dirt road, and our house, the barn, haystacks, the creek, the trees around us, our view, having sticks right outside our door to build things with, our swings, having Grandparents so close (well they aren't very close right now).  I love being here raising my children with my husband.  Our set-up is pretty much completely ideal.  I don't know it we could find all of this anywhere else if we tried (or at least could afford it).  And, honestly, if we did ever leave, would we wish that we hadn't?

I think these things, and yet I still get that itching for something new.  I crave change.

So here is a message to myself today:

Dude!  Cut the discontent and just live it up NOW.  Change will come, as it always does.  And it doesn't always come in the way we want.  So just be happy with today, with these sweet little people who will grow up all too soon.  Winter is short, as is their childhood, as is life really.  It would be a shame if it wasn't lived to the fullest.  No matter where you live the message is the same.  

Your life is wonderful.

Live it with more deliberation.  

Be more content.

And skate while you can.